what i get to take, is what i can not take

One of my songs says that we have tried everything, we have given all that we had trying to live this life at its fullest, but still this life is a shit and we have nothing else left with us to give to it.

A friend of mine had some points to argue on this thing, as according to him/her "When we give something to this life, we always get something back from it. The relation is always of GIVE and TAKE. So when we are giving something we should also take what we get in return."

Well, i agree on that. I agree that relation is always give and take. But i do not agree that we should take everything we get in return. Why should i accept something that i do not want at all, i do not need at all and moreover when i know that thing makes my life full of shit. And this is what life gives us in return.

No matter how much we try to live on, no matter how much we give to this life, what it gives us in return (read what we get to take in return) is what that makes our life more shitty.

So why should we take all that, what we get to take from this life. I do not know about you, but i can not take, what i get to take.

Please Forgive Me

This is for all those who i have considered my frnds.

i know sometimes i behave too strange as i guess i m too moody and in those cases i generally say those things which i shouldn't ever had or which i do not even mean and which i do not even know that i have just said.

I just say all this without even thinking that it can hurt you and when i m back in my normal mood i think everything will be fine.

Yes, everything has always been fine after that till now and the credit for that goes to everyone of you for bearing me.

Thanks for everything and also i will like you all to forgive me for that.

i do not know why i have written all this but i was really feelin down at the moment thinkin that always its me who goof up everything.

A Normal Abnormal Life

Why do i write here? Well, the answer is simple. I write here coz i always have had problems expressin myself to someone.

Or may be i write here coz i dont want that person to know that i m writing this because of him/her. Though, i will admit that all of my previous posts, with few exceptions, were related to me only and not to anyone else.

May be, someone has caused me to write this, but still, again, the reason for this post is me only.

i m feelin somethin different, something strange these days. i have the feelin that i know why its happenin to me, but i dont want this to go on, coz i know in the end it will be me who is HURT.

i m not sure if i want others to know the reason for this and even if i want, i know i wont be able to express myself.

So, lets make it simple to avoid any confusions around.

i think my preferences are being changed, i think that i am being transformed into a normal person and that's what causin me problem now coz i always have loved my abnormal behaviour, i always have loved my days of miseries and i always have loved my pains.

Or again is it the same thing that i posted long back about 'Happiness, Misery, Sanity'.

Yes, its gotta be the same. i know what's going on now. i will have a short period of me living a normal happy life and after that my life will knock me down again. My life will make me understand not to rise and stay in the gutter where i always have been. My life will kick me hard on my face, to leave me to bleed profusely, and then i will enjoy my NORMAL life of being ABNORMAL, living happily ever after or ...

Finally ... upgrade is over!!

Well, it is about an year that google upgraded blogspot to blogger, but it took me really a long time to upgrade my blog to the new version.

The reasons were many.
First of all i had the skills to edit the old blogger templates to give it my custom looks. But when new blogger came i was not sure how will i get the same looks and feel on the new version.

Secondly, to get a hand on to the new version it required to devote some time on it.

Thirdly, i was busy with other blogs , that i started in new blogger only, and it was because of those i got to learn how will i edit the templates.

So, now i finally took out some time, with enough skills to give the same old feeling to my old template and upgraded it to the new blogger.

And if some of you are thinkin that i have not posted anything for a long time then let me tell you, i post here only if i m feelin frustrated, disgusted or down. And i m sure you will be findin a new post here within a few days coz this time again i m not able to decide what am i goin to do in my life, i m really confused as some developments are going on but not sure if they will be for good or as always .... BAD!!!

Reckless Creepy Freak

"I am losing my sight, i am losing my mind" these words are being running through my head again and again. For the past 5 days i go to work but do not work at all. I do not feel of doing anything. I am just lost somewhere and not able to decide what to do.

I want to cry but i am not able to, no one's here to let off my pains. I want to shed my tears, but i am not able to, there is no place left to let them drained.

My sickness is making me sicker and i have been growing weaker day by day, physically, mentally and emotionally. Physically, i do not need to explain; Mentally, yes i am going insane; Emotionally, i cant hold on the pain.

What i have to do now, where should i go now, who am i and what i want? I really myself do not know. Or else do i know?

Well, yes i know who i am. Before anyone of you judge me or before anyone of you open your mouth to speak, let me tell you i am a Reckless Creepy Freak.

my frustrations continued ....

Today, again i am thinking as if i have crossed all the limits of being frustrated. I don't know what is happening to me but i just don’t like anything and anyone anymore. I don’t want to hang around with people, but, being alone, leads to the sad thoughts that are making me insane.

i feel like i am being betrayed in this life. i don’t know whom do i trust or rather shall i trust anyone? i do not know how to put an end to the bad dreams that i am having or shall i stop dreaming? i do not know how to put an end to what i am suffering from or shall i put and end to me itself?

i really can't hold on to myself when i am stretched so far, and i am lost within myself and i cant make the right moves. But do i know making the right moves?

i keep on doing my daily things, i keep on meeting people, i keep on doing my work, but in the end i always end up hurting myself. And i want to know, why?

i know i have many questions in my mind, but when i try to find out what these are, i get lost somewhere. I get lost searching for the lost answers for the lost questions that i have. i am being killed by these questions like a cancer, and i feel i will find myself buried with the lost answers. Shall i go and take somebody's help or shall i help me myself?

But who to go for help as i still have one question left: "do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness, or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness?"

What a Fucking Day - EddFest

It was one hell of a night. As rightly said by Parikrama "what a fucking day" . That day was just a lifetime experience for me. I have been to a concert for the first time in my life and that too in the concert of the one of the greatest bands known as "Iron Maiden" Yes man, what a fucking day it was.

The band had carried almost all the necessary equipment for the stage along with them all the way to India. The sound, the lighting effects and the stage were awesome. The background used to change with each number the band used to play, Moreover, the background used to describe the theme of the song the band was playing. Superb guitars by everyone including Steve Harris and superb drums. Superb Performance by Bruce Dickinson. They just did very good stage acts as demanded by the different songs.

None of the people present at the palace grounds that night were able to resist themselves from headbanging and singing it out loud. The band played all of their greatest numbers including Trooper, Fear of the dark, hallowed be thy name, evil than men do and lot more.

I can bet it was also a great night for the band too to find the huge fan following in this country. The whole grounds were filled with only one name, filled with the sounds of the people yelling , "MAIDEN, MAIDEN, MAIDEN". The band had to tour India by seeing the fact that the "Best of the Beast" was at the number 2 spot in the Indian Charts.

Not only this, band had a promise for the Indian Fans, in the words of Bruce Dickinson, "You people had to wait for us to perform for you for 17 years, but we can promise you that it wont be more than 17 months that we will be back here". I will really love to see them perform again LIVE and will wait for that time.

Have a look at one of the performance by the band that night, quality is really poor but have nothing else to share

Iron Maiden - Edd Fest

Well, iron maiden are coming to India. On the 17th of this march they are going to rock the palace grounds of bangalore. I have asked lot of my friends to join me for the show but no one is coming. They say what is "Iron Maiden". I do not know how can anyone ask such a question.

And now when i have decided that i will go alone for the show, i guess i m too late. The tickets have been sold out and there are still 10 more days to go. But i wanna be there. Its seldom that God descends on earth. Even i heard that the band is coming with about 20 tonnes of equipment for the stage, lights and sound. They want to give the Indian fans the long lasting experience. And what more they will be accompanied with Eddie that's why its being called the Edd-Fest.

If i don't go there i really am going to miss something great, something nerve breaking, something really dark. How can i miss their live performance yelling "Fear of the Dark". How can i miss the feeling when they ask us to repeat and sing the line "Can I Play with madness".

I still have some hopes left. I still believe i will be able to make up to the show. Lets see ...

Last Impresssion is the Last Impression

First impression is the last impression, this is what we get to hear all the times and this is what we are made to believe. But thanks to our Infy's soft skills classes where we were once told that first impression is generally not the last impression. Just to add to it from my personal thinking or you can say my personal experience 'our last impresssion is our last impression'.

It seems somewhat awkward to hear the phrase 'Your last impression is your last impression', but by it i just simply mean that you are always judged by the most recent act you did and your image is made like that. No one remembers whatever you did before that. But here again it matters.

If you used to do everything wrong before and this time you hit something right, nothing matters, your image will still be the same until you keep on repeating your good deeds and keep on proving yourself.

On the other hand, if you were the person who used to do right or good things and if you perform something terribly wrong this time, like if you hurt someone close to you with whom you were always good before, that person who is hurt will forget what good you used to do with him/her, the only thing he/she remembers is that you did wrong this time and your image will be casted as if you yourself are wrong and you can never do anything good or right. In this case the act what you just did will remain as your last act, as whatever you do now will not hold anymore and people will try to find flaws in you again and again to blame you, to prove that you are wrong and to prove that you are just like this only. And this will remain as your last impresssion, if not forever, then atleast for a long time.

Well the only case where your last wrong deeds wil be forgiven and forgotten is if you are a celeberity. Classic example will be of Zidane's which we saw in the last soccer world cup. Like everyone used to know Zinedine Zidane as a cool, sober sports person who seldom loses his temper but the act what he did in the world cup final not only proved him wrong but also in one sense cost France the world cup. But still this all will be forgotten and Zidane will remain an idol for lot of people. In fact that headbutt made Zidane more of a hero but as France lost, a tragic hero, but a hero none-the-less.

My Frustrations

I do not know what's happening to me. I cant talk to people about anything, because i have nothing to talk about. There is nothing happening in my life, that i can share with my friends. But everyone who talks to me says that it seems like i am not in the mood to talk. But what to say if i have nothing to talk about.

Its been a same routine everyday - gym, breakfast, office, lunch break, again office, dinner, office, home and then bed. Is this what i should talk about with m friends. Same things everyday. I really do not know what to do. My friends are over with my rudeness, my annoyed behaviour and my sharp words.

My biggest shock was today when one of my nearest friends told me that i seriously have gone crazy and i must visit a doctor. I dont know what was the cause of this opinion of him for me. But after a long contemplation i found out that yes, may be he was right. I m going crazier day by day and its not just the same boring routine that's causing this. There is something deep inside of me that leaves me frustrated. What have i got in life? What all i have earned in this life? Absolutely Nothing.

I feel like trapped in this world. I can not do the things that i want to do and those things that i really dont want to , i have to do them. I am trapped within the responsibilities that i have. Its not like i dont want to fulfill my responsibilities, but there are other things also that i want to do, but i dont know how and when i will do them.

I feel like i am lost, i feel like i can never be found, i feel like there is nothing for me around. I dont even know what exactly i feel and this again leaves me frustrated. I am frustrated with this frustration that i have. This frustration makes me insane. I really dont know what to do, but will i ever?